Complete losers

• Every town with not enough hotels
  There was a time just a few years ago when you could drive cross-country and just stop whenever you got tired and check into the nearest motel. Those days are over. The chronic shortage of hotel rooms in America is crippling to the whole idea of the road trip. Where's the spontaneity come in if you know exactly where you're going to be every single night? But if you don't have a reservation (especially on a weekend) you will end up driving an extra hour and spending $100 on a crappy motel room that smells like mildew because you have nowhere else to go. Listen up, American towns: if every hotel in your area is sold out every night, you do not have enough hotels. Build more. Preferrably, tear down a Starbucks and build a hotel over it.
• People who attend the Annual Calaveras County Jumping Frog Festival
  Get a life.
• The owner of the Sands Motel, Socorro, NM
  I can't even describe how disgusting this motel is. It is unfit for human habitation. It is unfit for mammalian habitation. It is unfit for habitation by reptiles, amphibians or insects. It is a crime against anyone unfortunate enough to stay there and an insult to human decency. I do not give a good god damn if you have free cable, just clean the goddamn bathroom, you disgusting, inexcusable failure of a motel owner. This hotel should be burned down with the proprietor locked inside one of its nauseating bathrooms.
• Whoever is responsible for the rancid, deplorable condition of El Paso, Texas
  Georgie B, I'm looking at you.
• The woman in Roswell, New Mexico, who let her 4-year-old son play with a boxcutter
  Your child should be put in foster care immediately.
• St. Louis; especially its street and city planners
  When visiting St. Louis, just drive by the Arch and keep going. Don't even get out of the car.
• Road construction
  Most especially, repaving projects that shower our beautiful car with oily gravel. Why is that if you come to my house and throw rocks at my car, I can have you arrested, but if the Oregon DOT spreads loose gravel all over a major highway with the same effect, they get taxpayer funding?
• The theater manager at Peabody place in Memphis
  You can not take people's money, fail to keep your end of the transaction, and then keep the money. How hard is that to understand? Aren't there laws about when you can and can't take money from people? Have you no sense of decency?
• The Hurricanes at Pat O'Briens
  If Pat's invented the Hurricane, then every bar in America has since improved on it. The worst Hurricane I have ever had. Pat, you should be ashamed to serve this sugary ipecac.
• Hotel housekeepers who ignore the "do not disturb" sign
  What the hell is wrong with you? Why even have the damn sign if someone is still going to bang on your door three hours before checkout? Because that's very disturbing! As in, exactly what the sign says not to do! Go the hell away!
• The evil bitch using the motel laundry in Pensacola
  They only had two washers in the motel laundry room, and I stood there and watched this selfish whore put a tiny amount of clothing in each of them. Like, three shirts each. Because nobody else in the whole damn motel could possibly need to do laundry. Bitch.
• The guy with the Texas plates at the same motel
  I'll say this slowly, jackass: parking... in... the... handicap... parking space... is NOT okay... just... because... you park slanty. Being there for "just a few minutes" is also not acceptable. And here's another tip for confused drivers: parking in the striped area next to the handicap space is ALSO not allowed. People with a legitimate claim to the parking space need that space, you brainless twit.
• The abovementioned motel
  It was a Motel 6 in Pensacola. Our room had only one towel. The chain from the toilet handle was off. The laundry room door handle was broken. And a screechy couple was auditioning for COPS in the parking lot.
• The people who convinced us you need to wear long sleeves in the Everglades
  There are virtually no mosquitos in the Everglades, I don't care what people tell you. There is, however, a fatal combination of heat and humidity for anyone dumb enough to believe the mosquito rumors.
• The cab driver in Key West
  What on earth were you thinking? You refused to listen to anything we said and stranded us on a curb surrounded by three feet of floodwater on all sides. Is this how you make the big tips?
• The Key West t-shirt shop homophobe
  If you're a racist, don't move to Harlem. And if you're a homophobe, just do everyone a favor and get the hell out of Key West. Nobody is making you live there. Please move somewhere your views will be appreciated, like prison. Then bend over.
• The air in Miami
  Dirk described it best as "a Miami breeze wafting in like a tropical drink through a sweaty men's room."
• Florida weather
  Sunshine state, my ass. I've never seen it rain so much in my life. It rains there so much that the space shuttle failed to land there four times. Where did it land? That's right. California.
• The Blue Ridge Parkway campground
  Where we couldn't get a campsite because it was full of people attending a "music festival." People go camping to get away from crowds, but in Roanoke, they bring the crowd to the campground. The dried-apple-faced man in charge was no help, either.
• Annapolis traffic
  Incomprehensibly bad. There's no describing how excruciating driving through Annapolis is. It's worse than anywhere else in the world, which means, somebody screwed up badly when they built this city.
• Cheesesteaks in Philadelphia
  Much like the Pat O'Brien's Hurricane, "original" doesn't necessarily mean "good." The best Philly cheesesteaks are found anywhere but Philadelphia. The word I would use to describe them is "dryyyyyyyyyyy." Personally, I think we should strip the cheesesteak of the Philly name altogether, or at least reserve it as a derogatory label, like "rancid fruit."
• New Jersey drivers
  A danger to any living thing. What are they thinking? Are they driving with their butt cheeks?
• People who sell WTC attack photos in New York
  Death profiteering is always tasteless. It's bad enough to be hawking books and videos about the attack in the shadow of Ground Zero, but these guys are actually selling 4x6 glossy photos of the towers on fire. What are people doing with these, sticking them in their photo albums between pictures of the kids?
• Parthenon Gyros on State Street in Madison, WI
  These people are extraordinarily rude to customers. They should go out of business as soon as possible.
• The man who called our hotel room at 4:30am
  Everyone knows I prefer to get my obscene phone calls between 11:00am and noon.
• People who can't merge when a lane ends
  Lanes end all the time. It's not some bizarre driving maneuver you've never seen before. If you drive, you need to know how to merge. Learn that or get the hell off the road.
• The Happy Cooker
  In Georgetown, Colorado. Too bad, because the food was tasty, but they earned their way onto this list.
• The Miso Hungry Cafe, Driggs, ID
  I hate these guys so much, they should be listed twice. These filthy, sprout-inflicting hippies should all contract gonorrhea. They probably already have.